I am still alive.

Part I: What have I been doing?

Look I figured out how to type again. Wow! Want to know what’s new? I went to Vegas, again. I didn’t blog nor did anyone really take any pictures it was like we weren’t even there and I realized that if you are guy you have to pay to sit down. Really. Either you have to gamble, buy a bottle, buy a seat at a show, pay a stripper to rub up on you. There are no free seats for dudes in Vegas. Girls, on the other hand, they can sit for free and probably get free drinks, unwanted sexual advances, groped, or if they are drunk, an awkward make-out session in the middle of a club with a guy they just met from Portland.

Oh, after Vegas, I went to Hawaii. That was fun. It was like San Diego in August but in March. My friend Jess tagged along. I didn’t really do anything. I think I kept track of that adventure or at least getting there. Just scroll down you’ll find it. They I came back and had to fly to San Jose for work. That made my ears clogged for like a month. I had to do that weird yawn, jaw opening pop like every 5 minutes. I looked weird. Not much else happened in April. I went to a wedding in Seattle. That was fun I like wearing suits. Well a suit, I don’t imagine that I would have very much fun if I tried to put another suit on over the one I was wearing. But, who knows, try it. Let me know.

I shaved my beard for the first time in over a year. There were no pictures taken and now I grew it back so I look the same. But it was something I did. And I guess that leads me up to….
I had surgery and removed a bunch of stuff from my throat and nose area. I will write about that on it’s own. Well I think I will, no promises.

-Jason

Now in Hawaii.

Hi.
So I just got back form Hawaii and now am off to Hawaii. I live a hard life. So I am making a special blog just for Hawaii so Here is the link:

web.mac.com/jasonwakefield

thanks. I Hope you like it.

-JW

The adventures of future Jason

So I always enjoy episodes of Television shows when they go into the future. I know it’s a cop out episode that is usually associated with a show “jumping the shark” (Don’t know what that means? Google it.) But, it’s a break from that normal storyline and allows me to see a different show with lots of things happening. Because of this I have decided to see what “Future Jason” is like. I have jumped five years into the future to tell you a little about my self.

First of all “Future Jason” isn’t named Jason at all. He goes by JR now. Something has happened to him that has made him “hard.” It might have something to do with that wicked scar he has. It’s right below his eye, where wicked scars usually are. Oh, “Future Jason” sorry, JR, has a mustache. That’s the way we can tell he is older. He’s with the girl you totally wouldn’t have expected. She likes bad boys. That’s not him. or is it? He no longer has a positive outlook on life. Yes, this future Jason has had a tough time. He seems to be drinking a lot. I know he drinks a lot now, but this isn’t fun time drinking. This is popping OxyCodone, drinking cheap whiskey just to stay “on the level.” Oh look, he’s just run into that girl he liked, the one that you thought was perfect for him. Did she just ask him, “what happened to the man she fell in love with?” Don’t leave lady! He’s still there. He is just lost in the drinking and pills and darkness! Don’t leave!

Wow. That was a grim look into the future. What could have happened to him? I hope we can figure it out and prevent it from happening before it’s too late. We should band together to help humanity in the interest of avoiding lame flash forward episodes of Jason’s life.

New look, same great taste.

So I always found it odd that when products change their packaging they feel the need to let the consumer know that that taste is the same. I have never saw a new package of Pizza, cereal, soda, etc. and thought, “Oh, Maybe I shouldn’t by that because the box is blue now. Maybe it will taste like feet.” Now, when I see the “great new taste” on the side of the box, I worry. I remember the Bagel Dogs.* Well apparently I am alone in this thought about packaging because the box of Red Baron has a big “New Look! – Same Great Taste” on it. Truthfully, the only thing I noticed different about it is that it says, “New Look! – Same Great Taste” in the top right hand corner. But incase you are worried, I am updating the website and will be occasionally, now that I finally bought the right software to do so, but you can still expect the same mediocre writing and long breaks between updates that you have been expecting up to this point.

*For those who don’t know what I am talking about, please read the spring 1998 edition of the BHS Catamount and my guest commentary.

My Addiction

Hi. My Name is Jason.

It started so innocently. I had just moved to a new city and didn’t bring all my stuff. There was a sell at Nordstrom and my old whites weren’t really looking white any more. I thought, “I need these.” It was slow at first I found some good deals and needed to replace a pair. Then I needed some for a different weather. Then I got some for work. Then I started to read about them. Then I started to know release dates, where to buy special editions, it became a problem. “It’s not just me,” I said. I thought everyone was doing it. It was a bonding experience, but then I went out alone. I bought them at full price. I couldn’t stop

It’s not just me I’m hurting. I am bringing my little niece down too. She already has nine pairs and she just turned two. I just bought her two more today. I buy her matching pairs to what I have. When ever she sees a pair she points and shouts, “Uncle Shoes! Uncle Shoes!” I got them for my whole family. “Uncle shoes for mommy?” she asks. Is this the impression I am sending to the little one? I had to move to get a new closet so the collection can grow. I keep them in their boxes now. I am buying my clothes so they match. I know it’s a problem, but I don’t know whom to turn to.

If you, or someone you know, is suffering like me, let me know. I am looking to get a support group together. Hopefully we can beat this addiction together.

Thank you.

The Collection:

The Urban Symphony.

So I had finished with my Fantasy Football draft and was about to eat some leftovers (I live a very exciting life) when one of my favorite parts of living in the city happened. I call it The Urban Symphony. This is mixture of noises that I can hear from outside because the windows are up because it’s hot and I don’t have air conditioning. Before I go into detail, I don’t live in a bad neighborhood.
It starts with the gentle audible sounds of my neighbor, reaching climax. This is the soprano. It increases in volume, pitch and tempo before the next “musician” joins in. I would also like to point out that if this is one of my neighbors, “right on Tim!” because she is way to hot to be dating you.
The squeals are at their thunderous heights when the dogs from a few blokes away begin to howl, maybe they are scared, maybe they are confused or maybe they are just giving their doggie high-five to Tim but the howls add a perfect complementing falsetto to the woman.
These are the two base layers for the symphony and as long as the woman “sings” and the dogs howl the magic is happening. (Please refrain from the easy “magic happening” joke.) While the base is going, there are different acts to the musically number. There is the sound the screeching car. The long pouring of water, which may be another neighbor peeing off the balcony. And of course the deep bass of the dog bark. Different mind you then our howling dogs.
The real beauty of this is not the individual noises, but rather the blend. They come together in such a rich fashion, that words fail to describe the composition. Those in the suburbs don’t get this. They live in insulated houses with space between them and their neighbors. This may be nice if you want to raise a kid or something. But if you want to experience real “culture,” then it’s all about the Urban Symphony.

This time machine sure tastes a lot like Jagermeister

I stole this line from my sister but I love it.

Jason Wakefield is ruining Portland.

So, it has been a while since the last post. I have been weary of writing because of the whole homeland security incident. (Don’t know about this? Email me.) I have been wondering if I should write about my adventures with friends and frankly without leaving vicariously through them, I don’t have much to write about. But during this self-imposed exile, I have had some big changes in my life. I moved to Portland, OR. I live alone for the first time. I don’t have the internet yet, and am struggling to make it through each day alone (without internet that is).
So I have been living alone for three days now and it’s an adjustment. I went from a house with four kids to a dorm with 300 to a house with two people I really didn’t like, to a Fraternity with 60 guys, to living with a roommate and I have become pretty accustomed to people being around all the time. It still feels like those times when your parents left for the weekend, and you thought, “yes! I am going to have a blast!” but after the first couple hours of snooping through rooms you shouldn’t, you just get bored. At night you are used to the noises and rustling of people around, and you come to find out that it’s not noises that keep you awake but silence. This is compounded by the fact the contents of my apartment consist of two folding chairs and a blow up mattress.

So about the title:
Let me tell you, I didn’t expect there to be so many hipsters in Portland. They all have greasy hair that covers at least one eye and needs constant adjusting to let people know that life is hard, super tight girls jeans, their belt buckles are off to the side and they are all in bands. If you don’t believe me look them up on myspace. They’re on there. Right now. Really check it out. This will still be here when you get back. I mentioned this to someone I work with and he explains that Portland is the cool city people want to live in because it’s affordable and people can live their lives and be left alone. “Seattle’s cool” someone mentions. I quickly explain how Seattle is over priced…. I am not going to go into the conversation. But the conclusion is that Seattle was cool in the early ‘90s (remember Nirvana, Singles, Flannel, Heroin, Junior High?) but the influx of money from nerdy types wanting to be cool had made it unlivable to cool people so they, and all the strippers, moved south to Portland. Now the nerdy people with corporate jobs want to be cool and are all moving here and inflating the prices, ruining Portland. Sorry.

Oh so if you make it to Portland, let me know. I have a floor.

Oh sorry, I forgot that you know everything.

So the other day, I was listening to music and someone mentioned that the band was “musical wallpaper” or some pretentious bullshit. It got me thinking that I fucking hate music snobs. This incident wasn’t really a big deal, but this is something that has been pissing me off for a good 10 years. These people think that they have some divine musical knowledge and it is there duty to make people listen to their classic rock, or Dave Matthews Band or Techno, or some type of shit that you clearly don’t want to. On top of that, they feel that they have to show you the errors of your way listening to what you want to. It’s like this guy in Target trying to share his “I Love Jesus, America and George Bush, but Fags should die” religion with me while I’m trying to buy a fucking towel. Leave me the fuck alone with that shit.
They all might have a little different type of music that they preach, but their techniques are all the same. It maybe Phish The Doors or some other shit you have to smoke weed to like. Or techno or house, or some other type of electronic music that you will most likely mistakenly call techno and have to be on ecstasy to like. Or some super alt band that no one has heard of, that they like primarily because no one has heard of them. You know what, dick; if they were good, other people would have heard of them. Now I don’t care what people listen to, I also know people want to share what they like with others. That’s just being nice. Thanks Ryan for giving me the Wolfmother CD. But, If I don’t like what you are playing, that’s gotta be fucking cool with you. Don’t say, “you just don’t understand it” or “pay attention to the drums” or “You should get high. You would love this if you were baked”
If I have to be fucking high to like music, then I probably don’t like it. It’s like an ugly girl; if you have to get drunk to hook up with her then you probably don’t really like her either.
These guys use the techniques they teach you about in DARE. They peer pressure. “Dude, everyone likes Dave Matthews Band!” or “the cool kids listen to DJ Girl I went to High School with.” They will gang up on you and all demand that the 4-hour trip to Pullman will be all Jack Johnson. Parents need to be worried about these fuckers. No one tried to pressure me into doing coke or heroin but they sure as hell tried to get me listen to G. Love and Special Sauce.

Jason Wakefield is currently listening to James Blunt. Who by the way, according to a friends blog, is the one of the most annoying people to listen to.

In a related note, People who wear striped shirts do not like it when you put ABBA on the Jukebox.

I return.

Because of the current investigation of my blog by the House Un-American Activities Committee, I will no longer be naming the names of any of my friends. So I have decided that the first new entry should be all about me. If you know me, you know it’s not that hard for me to turn the focus that way. So here are a few things about me people might not know.

1. I like to read when I’m drunk. I will get home from the bar and read. This is a slow process and I usually don’t get very far. I always have to reread the information the next day and sometimes don’t remember reading it until I try again and feel like I am experiencing Déjà vu (a word I can only spell because of the strip club near where I grew up with the same names).
2. In an attempt to be witty I like to make my own phrases they never seem to catch on. I will say, “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?” to ask someone what’s happening or what’s the plan, etc. After the last time I said this, I thought no one remembers that REM song. Then I realized something; no one ever got that comment. Even when I started saying that in High School and that album was new and somewhat popular, no one understood me. I guess I am too smart for them.
3. I am afraid of Zombies. This is like a big deal to me. Some people know this but I think that there is not a real understanding to why. It has to do with the people you love turning into monsters. You having to kill them. There maybe more to this fear something that I might want to delve into next time I go to therapy. Though with this fear I can’t get away from it. I find myself drawn to it. I own Dawn of the Dead (2004) and Land of Dead (fast zombies are scarier) I also own the Zombie Survival Guide Handbook. I am thinking about investing (yes, I said investing) in a Zombie survival kit. This would have the basics water, canned food for surviving a time period, but also a handgun, shotgun, and a sword. (You don’t have to reload a sword)* but I would probably just hurt myself., so I haven’t bought it yet. I have also recently purchased from ebay, the complete Marvel Zombies comic series (yes comics. I’m a fucking’ nerd!) So if it comes time to fight a war against Zombies I am ready to go. Or run and hide, I haven’t decided.

*I stole this line, I am not that creative.

The Blog Ends

I had to remove the posts from the blog they may return shortly but they are gone for now. I will explain later today.

-jason wakefield

The earth and the moon.

During the last three months or so, after getting drunk, my friends and I will start into a debate that will usually end with people yelling. Now, before I tell you what it is that we argue about, I want you to know that most of my drinking friends have business or political science degrees. We are good at arguing points, but between us have absolutely 0 non-required science credits. I have never taken a Chemistry class and Weather was the hardest science class I took in college. But without further delay the question…

If the moon were to crash into the earth, would all of humanity be killed?

Let me know what you think.

The new (and improved) blog

This is the new blog